I spent some of the longish Easter break thinking about Dark Matter — as you do.

The reason is, I have a theory about all this. But before you duck for cover, let me explain.

Physicists claim that the universe punches above its weight. It behaves as if it were much heavier than it appears to be. To make allowances for this the boffins describe the chunk they can’t see as “Dark Matter”. It’s a bit like calling a transcendant intelligence “God” — but don’t tell them that.

Of course, this begs the question of how they weighed the universe in the first place. Does a weighing machine exist hidden away in the basement of the Physics department at some university? It would have to be bigger than the universe itself, of course, and it couldn’t weigh itself. Presumably the scales would have to be designated Dark Matter.

Anyway, they obviously think they’re on to something here.

Not quite. I remember an ancient text by the Buddha in which he says that only one-quarter of the universe is made known to us, the rest is hidden. Hmm, sound like Dark Matter to me. Sorry lads.

Now — are you still with me? — if we remove the word “Dark” from the equation we’re left with “Matter”. Did the Buddha think of the remaining three-parts as matter? What if it were software of some kind?

Say you were trying to show someone on a blog how to code a particular action — putting up a picture, for example. Every time you post the code the software converts it, usually into a blank space with a symbol or two dangling from it. That’s because you wouldn’t have fully completed the code. If you had, your student at the other end would get a picture instead of an explanation.

Hold that image in your head as we move on.

Quantum physicists say that if you have twin particles — presumably electrons — and you change one of them, the other changes too … wait for it … even if it’s on the other side of the universe!

How do they know that? They’re magicians, of course. Seriously. Their latest theory is called “M Theory”, the “m” standing for Magic and Mystery. I’m not making this up.

Anyway, you see where I’m going with all this.

Let’s assume Dark Matter is software or its mystical equivalent. Every time you wish for something, the “software” tries to convert it into reality. Remember the time you wanted something very badly : “Please land me a big job and a mansion in the country. I promise I’ll be good from now on.”? Fat chance.

Actually, it’s said you often get a rough approximation of what you ask for. That’s because, like the code, you won’t have framed it specifically enough, and you may even have changed your mind halfway through the process. Presumably that explains why camels often appear instead of horses.

Einstein mentioned the fact in his Relativity Theory that human observers affect the processes they’re observing. In other words they often see what they want to see. Take the human genome. These genes can only be seen by an electron microscope, which only shows what it’s been programmed to show. So, if we are set on finding “genes” we’ll find genes — and they will look like some fantasy picture by a splendid artist — a double helix, let’s say.

Physicists always look for complexity, that’s the way they’re made. So we have one dizzying set of particles after another, like the quark, which used to be soft cheese and is now a fundamental building block of the universe. The moon could be made of green cheese after all, if we want it enough.

Once — like Einstein and the Quantum chappies — you start breaking down matter, the whole of science reveals itself to be a sham. I’m not talking about technology which probably works on the “cosmic ordering” principle. Man dreams about flying like a bird, and decades later the Tiger Moth appears, later still the Jumbo jet. Not quite what we had in mind, but close. Teleology lives!

Back full circle and someone now claims to have found Dark Matter, neatly tidied away in some unused corner of the cosmos. It had to be. The mathematical model required it.

Or could it be the universe gave us what we wanted? The only question is, what on earth will we do with it?

Be careful what you wish for — you may get it.